BLONDE JOKES (Sorry Blonde)

This is My joke so no stealing

A blonde and a brunette get an apartment together. a few days later they are talking and the brunette says;
"I found a prophylactic on the Patio yesterday."

The blonde looks at her confused and asks:
"What in the hell is a patio?"

2 blondes walk into a bar. Surely one of them must have seen it?



A blonde walks into a pharmacy and ask for Bottom Deodrant. The pharmacist tells her they dont sell bottom deodrant but she is insistant, explaining she buys it from here every week. The pharmacist tries to explain there is no such thing as bottom deodrant, and she still insists there is. He says to her, ok, go home and get an empty bottle so I can see what you are talking about.
She returns an hour later with a stick of underarm deodrant, and says "look, it says on here....to use push up bottom"

A Blonde and an accountant are seated next to each other on an Oceanic flight from Sydney to LA.

The clever accountant asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, not really interested, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rests her head against the window.

The accountant is very persistent and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $1.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to ignore the sleazy accountant.

The accountant, now agitated, says, "Okay, every time you don't know the answer you pay me $1.00, and every time I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this annoying little weed unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The accountant asks the first question: "What's the largest planet in our solar system?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, but instead reaches into her purse, pulls out a $1.00 coin and hands it to the accountant.

"Okay," says the accountant, "it is your turn to ask a question."

She asks the accountant "What goes up a hill with two legs but comes down with four legs?"

The accountant, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his saved fact files and his indepth trivia archive, but no answer. He taps into the Oceanic phone port with his modem and searches the net trying all sorts of google searches, but still no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, but not one of the accountant's friends know the answer. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The accountant, who is more than a little stressed and agitated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer, What goes up a hill with two legs and comes down with four legs?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the accountant another $1.00 coin, and goes back to sleep against the window.

Stitch

what is a prophylactic

Aye right

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.


Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The
other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain
and the top is down".

chirpey1987 wrote:what is a prophylactic

...and she's not just another pretty face!!!


okay, how do you tell a blonde has been at your computer?
There is wite-out on the screen.

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 230,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"All right," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde, "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Ten blonds were dancing around her house shouting '2! 2! 2!' over and over again.
The original blond's brother (he had dark hair) walked up to them all and asked what they were doing.
One blond explains,
'Well, my friends and I were doing a puzzle. It said three years and up, but we did it in TWO years!'

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door

What do you get if you stand a blonde on here head?
A brunette with bad breath.

Blonde puts money in a coke machine & a coke comes out. Blonde cheers & putts more money in the coke machine...coke comes out & she cheers again. Blonde repeats process over & over again until the angry man next in line yells "WHAT are you doing...how many freaking cokes do you need?" Blonde says "shhhhh.....I keep winning"

Very funny blonde

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 50 litres of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 5 litres so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 50 litres of milk. Did you mean 5 litres?"

The blonde said, "I want 50 litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

yea! boobie reference

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Fiji."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Fiji."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.

The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Fiji."

A blonde housewife decides to do paint the living room while her husband is at work for the day. She reads the instructions on the paintcan and gets to work. The husband gets home and finds his wife passed out in a pool of her own sweat. He asks her what happened and why she is wearing so many jackets? She then hands him the paintcan and it reads: Apply two coats for best results.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
>
>
>
Are you sure it's mine??

I feel so ashamed that I laughed at that.

Caged, you are gong to hell for that one...save me a seat near the window please.

I've often been heard to say "We're all going to hell; I'm driving the bus."

I'm glad I'm going to hell... all my friends will be there.

Great joke, CF. That's going to star at the next dinner party my fiancee decides to stage. . .

A blonde, A brunette and A Redhead decide to rob a store. So they get ready and they work out a plan. Well the go in the store and go up to register and tell the clerk to put the money in the bag. Well just then the cops show so they all decide to hide. So the brunette goes and jumps in a bin of stuffed dogs. The redhead jumps in a bin of stuffed kittens. The blonde jumps in a sack of potatos. Well the cops are in the store and their looking around and the cop walks up to the bin of stuffed dogs and kicks it.The brunette goes" Ruff Ruff" the cop moves on. He goes to bin of stuffed cats and kicks it. The redhead goes "Meow Meow" the cop moves on. Then he goes up to the sackof potatos and kicks it. The blonde goes "Potato Potato"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes, " the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way, " the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Love that second one, Lat.

What does a blonde say after sex?
"So do all you guys play for the same team?"

MyStarbuckHatesLost wrote:What does a blonde say after sex?
"So do all you guys play for the same team?"

eeerrggh lol