BAD JOKES!

Two eggs are in a saucepan.

First egg says 'Its absolutely boiling in here!'

Second egg says 'Thats nothing, I heard when they take us out they smash our heads in with a giant spoon!'


Two men are in a bar. One of them has a dog which is busy cleaning itself.

The other guy says 'That must be amazing! I wish I could do that.'

The dogs owner says 'Give him a biscuit and he might let you.'

Good title.

q: what's brown & sticky?
a: a stick

q: what's blue & white & flies through the jungle?
a: a fridge in a denim jacket

bad jokes are fun.

Anyone know where Engagement Ohio is?

Inbetween Dayton and Marion!!




Two guys walk into a bar, the third ducked!!

Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been up to no good so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been up to no good so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night at their place and two claim he's still there in the shower.

What's this ?

A dead one of these!! Ha Ha...

(I know you can't see the hand movements but you'll just have to trust me that it's funny).

Q: What's yellow and smells of bananas?




A: Monkey vomit.

What's the difference between tequilla and a sawn off shotgun?








If you dont know then I am never asking you for a shot of tequilla

haha I love bad jokes, they make me laugh more than good ones

Q. What goes "oooooooo.....ooooooooooooooooooooo"










A. A cow with no lips

A guy goes to his best friend.
"Dude, How do you do it? How do you go home with all these hot chicks every night, and I get stuck home alone?"
Freind says, "Ok... I'll tell ya my secret... Next time you go out, put on your tightest pants, and stick a sock in 'em. Chicks'll follow you home like a starving kitten."

Next week the guy sees his friend again, "Dude!! What the Hell!!! I did exactly as you said, and now girls just run away from me before I can say one word to them!!!"

Friend says,
"Your supposed to put the sock in the front of your pants you idiot!"

How many Australians does it take to change a lightbulb?










Only one because Aussies will screw anything!

How many Leeds fans does it take to change a lightbulb.

Both of them.

How many Star Trek fans does it take to change a light bulb ?





2!

One to change the bulb and another to say "Well it's alright, but its nowhere near as good as the original".

A man walks into a bar....

OUCH!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The bartender says,"what's the wheel for?"
THe pirate replies, "YARRRRRRRRRRRRRR it drives me nuts!!"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A piece of string walks into a bar, walks up to the barkeep, and orders a beer.

"Sorry, buddy, we don't serve your kind here," says the barkeep, pointing him back out the door.

The piece of string waits a couple days, then enters the same bar, walks up to the barkeep, and again orders a beer.

"Come on, do you think I'm stupid? I told you we don't serve your kind here," he tells the piece of string.

Frustrated, but determined, the piece of string attempts to disguise himself. The very next day, he unravels his one end a bit and ties himself in the middle. He proceeds to go into the same bar again, walks up to the barkeep, and orders yet another beer.

"Hey, aren't you the same piece of string I told to get out of here the past couple days?!?" shouts the barkeep.

The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Frank Sam and Sam Frank were always the best of friends. One day though, they both die and enter the afterlife. Frank Sam finds himself in Heaven, and looks all over for Sam Frank, but he's nowhere to be found.

Frank Sam walks up to God and says, "Hi, God, sorry to bother you, but I've been looking all over for my friend Sam Frank, and I just can't seem to find him anywhere."

"Well, Frank Sam," says God, "I'm sorry to break this to you, but Sam Frank didn't get to come to Heaven. He's actually been sent to Hell."

"Oh, man, that's awful. Well, can you at least let me know if he's doing okay, Mr. God?"

"Sure," he says as he switches on the closed-circuit TV monitoring Hell's activities. "See, Sam Frank is actually getting on quite well with everyone. He's making lots of friends - and he's actually running a disco down there."

"Oh, wow, they've got discos in Hell?"

"Well, where did you think disco came from in the first place?"

"Fair enough. I guess there's no way I could see him again, though, right?"

"I usually don't allow it," says God, "but I know you two were very close friends, so perhaps I could make an exception. I'll let you go visit for the weekend. There is only one thing I ask though: you must bring your harp along with you."

"Um, my harp? Okay, that's no problem."

"And be careful with it," warns God.

"I promise," says Frank Sam.

Frank Sam gets a few bags packed and grabs his harp. God wishes him a good time, and Frank Sam is on his way down to Hell. When he gets there, he is immediately greeted by Sam Frank.

"Hey, buddy!" exclaims Sam Frank. "Satan told me God was letting you come visit me. This is great news! We're going to have a blast this weekend - just like old times!"

And they proceed to have a fun-filled few days, dancing, laughing, and drinking. Sam Frank introduces Frank Sam to some of his new friends at the disco, and they all hit it off swimmingly. Of course, the time goes by too quickly, though. Sunday afternoon, Frank Sam tells Sam Frank he has to go back to Heaven.

"Well, I'm just glad we got to have some fun together one last time, buddy!" says Sam Frank.

"Yeah, me too," says Frank Sam. "I'm glad you've got so many friends here, too. Best of luck, and I'll miss you, my friend."

So, Frank Sam reluctantly heads back up to Heaven. God is there to greet him.

"So, Frank Sam," asks God, "did you have a good time?"

"Oh, yes, God," says Frank Sam, "thank you for letting me see him again. We had a blast, and he seems like he's doing all right down there."

"Well, I'm very glad I was able to get you two friends back together again. One question, though..."

"What's that?"

"Well, Frank Sam, exactly where is that harp of yours?"

A look of shock and realization comes over Frank Sam's face. "Oh no! I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!"

Worst joke ever...but it make me laugh every time.

What's Irish and hangs out on your porch all night?












Patti O'Furniture

SAOY

I heard that joke before but it was between a sand crab and a mud crab!

Go figure!

Stitch

Not a bad joke but my favorite joke of all time.

A young man is sitting on a park bench talking to a 90 year old man.

The 90 year old says softly, his voice creaking, "Back when I was your age young man, I went on safari in Africa hunting a man-eating lion."

"We were going through 8 foot tall grass when suddenly this 900 pound man-eating lion jumps out at us and goes ROAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!"
The old man jumps up, his arms outstretched and his fingers in the shape of claws to illustrate his story and then continues,
"Well I can tell you young man, I shit myself bigtime"

The young man thinks for a moment and says, "Well yeah. I guess if a lion jumped out at me and roared like that, I'd shit myself too."


"No, no, not then," said the old man, "just now, when I went ROAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!, I shit myself."

A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he’d like. He says “a rum and coke, and I’ll buy the douchebag at the end of the bar whatever she wants”. The bartender is of course shocked and says “Sir, she seems like a very nice lady to me, and I’ll thank you not to refer to any of my customers like that.” The man says “OK, I’ll buy the lady at the end of the bar whatever she wants.” The bartender goes to the end of the bar and says “Ma’am, the gentleman over there would like to buy you a drink. May I get you something?” She says “Oh, that’s very nice. I’ll have a vinegar and water, please.”

Tracker! Yay! Havent seen you in ages. You've missed a lot.

Or have I just imagined that he hasnt been here?

THS... hi I've been a little busy but I do check in once in a awhile.

I like your Pink Floyd signature. I saw them at Radio City Music Hall, NYC in 1974. It was when "Money" was the big hit. It was a midnight concert. My memory of it is a little fuzzy and out of focus (old John Belushi line)

Most of the 70's is a little fuzzy.

Yeah I change it daily if I can. Got any suggestions for tommorrows, doesn't have to be Pink Floyd.